One Year Later…

This is the post I have been thinking about writing since we first began this blog. I have written it 100 times in my head. Looking back, I probably should have been writing this all along, but I didn’t know where we would be on our journey when this day arrived, My promise to myself when we began this blog was that I would be real and truthful and raw so putting pen to paper before this day arrived somehow seemed dishonest.

So, what is today? Today marks one year since we received Chris’s diagnosis of azoospermia. We have been living with this knowledge for 365 days. It is the day our lives were forever turned upside and nothing would ever be the same. It was the day that our hopes and dreams of having a baby naturally would be no more. It was the day that we were thrown into our unexpected journey. This diagnosis is something that no one ever really thinks about. If a couple is having difficulty conceiving, it is assumed the woman is usually the one with the medical issue. No one ever really thinks that the issue might be with the man, and if they do it is often assumed that it is just low sperm count and that can be corrected. What about NO sperm count? That is not an issue that anyone is prepared for.

At this exact time one year ago, we were planning on beginning our first round of clomid. We had already picked up the clomid, estradiol and prometrium from the pharmacy. We were set to begin in less than a week. My gynecologist had requested Chris get a semen analysis prior to starting the round just as a precaution. I was sitting in the court house when I saw my gynecologists number pop up of my phone. I exited the room and answered the call. I was excited to hear what Chris’s sperm count was and that we would be given the all clear to start our round. Immediately upon answering the phone, I heard my doctor’s voice, which was a little disconcerting because usually her nurse will call with results and information. My doctor is very direct and to the point, which is appreciated, but can sometimes be harsh. She said “We got the results and they are not good. Chris has no sperm. He needs to see Dr. Schrepferman or Dr. Rao and get checked out immediately. Do not start clomid. Let me know what they say.” I stood there stunned. What do you mean NO sperm? How is that possible? Could the lab have messed up? (For THAT story click here). The only words I could muster were “Okay, what are their numbers?”. I quickly wrote down the names and numbers of the doctors and then hung up the phone. Shocked doesn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling. I tried to call Chris to tell him the news but he wasn’t able to answer his phone. He texted me to see if we had the results yet and I could tell he was excited to hear. I am not one that is able to keep things from Chris so I sent him a text stating what the doctor had told me. Breaking this news to your husband is something no wife would ever wish to do and it was unfortunate that I had to do it over text. When we both returned home from work and saw each other for the first time since the devastating news we just held each other. I could see a light go out in Chris’s eyes. The only thing in this world that he has ever wanted was to be a father and now that dream was gone.

This day forever changed our lives. In less than one minute, our lives went from being hopeful and looking towards the future to being left in the cold and dark with nothing but each other to keep warm.

Looking back over the past year, we have been through so much and I am proud of who we have become both individually and as a couple. This journey can often break people and tear couples apart. We are lucky to be able to say that this journey has allowed us to learn more about each other and grow together. I believe we are stronger and our marriage is more solid for it. I wish I was able to go back in time and tell myself on this day last year that things were going to get better. It would be amazing if on this one year mark we were already pregnant but alas that is not part of our story.

We have changed so much in the past year and God has definitely thrown some trials our way. Not just relating to infertility, but life in general. Today is more significant than just the day of Chris’s diagnosis. It also marks the beginning of a very dark time in both our lives. “Dark time” doesn’t begin to describe what the period was but right now I cannot think of the right word. Little did we know, Chris’s diagnosis was the first of many trials that we were about to face in a one month time span. A week or so after Chris’s diagnosis, we found out Chris’s grandfather was diagnosed with prostate cancer. In addition, 2 weeks later my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Then a mere 12 hours after we found out about my grandmother, Chris’s grandmother passed away. We did a lot of growing up real fast. Never has “life” felt more real…the finality of it…the uncertainty of it. We now have a new appreciation for life and after many months of sadness and despair we have emerged together stronger and holding hands. The simple things in life are more enjoyable and we are able to laugh at ourselves more.

We are officially one year into our infertility journey. Hopefully on this day in 2016 I will be trying to write a post while holding our baby or I will be writing while taking a break from setting up the nursery. We never know what tomorrow will bring. We never know what instant or when our lives will change forever. All we can do is make the best of every day we are given and never lose hope that our dreams will one day come true.

The Appointment

Be prepared, this will be a long post. Lots of emotions and information in the past 24 hours. You have been warned!!

As I lay in bed last night with racing thoughts and mixed emotions, a song I sang in highschool choir was running through my head. Going into today’s appointment it provided me comfort and peace. These are the lyrics:

I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining
And I believe in love, even when there’s no one there
And I believe in God, even when He is silent
I believe through any trial, there is always a way

But sometimes in this suffering and hopeless despair
My heart cries for shelter, to know someones there
But a voice rises within me, saying ‘hold on my child’
I’ll give you strength I’ll give you hope, just stay a little while

I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining
And I believe in love, even when there’s no one there
And I believe in God, even when he is silent
I believe through any trial, there is always a way

May there someday be sunshine
May there someday be happiness
May there someday be love

May there someday be peace

The song is called “Inscription of Hope” and was one of the main songs we sang during trying times in highschool. We sang it at a memorial service on 9/11, as well as the funeral of one of our fellow choir members who passed of a brain tumor.

The lilting melody and the beautiful lyrics immediately put me at ease. When we would take care of our friend’s daughter at night when she was a toddler, this was her lullaby. I always imagined it would be the lullaby I sing to our children one day. It’s almost serendipitous that I hadn’t thought about that song for a long time until last night when it just popped in my head. 

When I woke up this morning, I was at peace and excited. As I waited around to leave to go pick up Chris and head downtown I started to get more nervous and all the bad outcomes that could possibly happen ran through my head on a continuous loop. Including, the doctor walking in, looking at me in the eye, just saying “No” and walking out the door…because I am ridiculous.

 

Taken right before heading back

 

I made it downtown, picked up Chris and arrived at the office right on time. I even wore my St. Gerard medal (patron saint of motherhood and fertility). We were taken back fairly quickly and after about 10 minutes or so, Dr. Ehlers came in to speak with us. She is a Fellow under Dr. Bohler. She was very nice and we went over our medical histories, previous tests, etc. and then she full described the IVF with ICSI process. She gave us a HUGE packet of forms to fill out, one being a 27-page consent form. She also requested I make some lifestyle changes:

1. Stop Metformin – I have to stop for at least one week prior to bloodwork. Depending on the results I may or may not be put back on it. I am not diabetic. I have been on it for 1 year for PCOS.
2. Eat Breakfast and Don’t Skip Meals – this is something I am notoriously bad about. Chris is going to keep me accountable and I hope you all will too!!
3. Lose 12 lbs – I have struggled with weight since being diagnosed with PCOS. I have to lose 12 lbs in order to be allowed to proceed with IVF due to my BMI. I am 2 points over the threshold. I don’t think it will too difficult, but I will need everyone to help keep me accountable!

After we went over all of this we discussed the tests that I would need. Unfortunately I will have to have a hysterosalpingogram, which is the one test I was fearing. A month before we were married in 2011 I went in for my yearly Pap smear. Although my Pap smear was normal, my gynecologist saw lesions on my cervix and we also discovered I had HPV. This was a bit of a shock. I had all the Gardisil vaccinations and had been with Chris for 4 years. Apparently Gardisil doesn’t protect against most strains and HPV can stay dormant in your body for many many years. Due to the lesions, I had to have a colposcopy and cervical biopsy to rule our cervical cancer. Luckily, the biopsy came back negative. The day I had the colposcopy was also the day we brought Marley home!! He was so little!!

 

Marley the day we brought him home. 5 weeks old

 

Anyways, because of the HPV I have to have a HSG to make sure my Fallopian tubes are not blocked or filled with fluid as that can impede implantation. I also get to have a Saline Infusion Sonogram, which is basically where they will use an ultrasound and a catheter and fill my uterus up with sine to make sure there are no fibroids or polyps and that it looks like a nice cozy home for a baby. Looks like I am in for some good times! I dislike medical procedures and usually end up crying during my Pap smears, but that is something that I am probably going to get over very quickly!!

So after we talked with Dr. Ehlers, we were taken to a different room and waited to meet with Dr. Bohler. I had been warned of his bedside manner, but I was pleasantly surprised. He was a bit awkward as a conversationalist and he did go off on random tangents, but hey, he comes highly recommended and has a very high success rate so I don’t care how awkward he is! Then in came the financial counselor to discuss costs. We are fortunate to have insurance that covers IVF and infertility at 50% once our deductible has been met. Luckily, thanks to Chris’s surgery, we have that met. As long as we do a cycle before our new plan year starting July 1st, we are good. She is going to call our insurance company and get everything set up as well as file an application for EMD Sereno Fertility Lifelines which is a program to discount the costs of some of the medications. Medications can range from $3000-$6000 per cycle depending on the protocol you have been put on. And oh yeah, that is one thing our insurance does not cover so we need all the discounts we can get!

After we got the financial aspect out of the way, the IVF nurse came in. She was so nice and immediately put us at ease. She went over the timeline and gave very explicit instructions of what to do and who to call during all the testing. As of right now, here is how the timeline will go:

1. Next Friday April 10th, both Chris and I will go in for bloodwork to rule out STDs such as Hep B, HIV and Syphilis. This is a requirement for everyone undergoing IVF at the clinic.
2. In addition on Friday I will be having blood drawn for many hormone level tests and will also have to complete the Glucose Tolerance Test. Depending on the results I may have to go back on Metformin.
3. On the 3rd day of my next period (approx. April 20th) I have to start birth control and call my IVF nurse to schedule my HSG and SIS. Unfortunately they cannot be done on the same day so that means two fun procedure days!!
4. Chris may have to have another semen analysis depending on their thoughts after Dr. Shep meets with Dr. Bohler on the 13th.
5. Once all tests are done, our IVF nurse will complete a form with all the results and pass it along to Dr. Bohler and Dr. Ehlers who will decide the medication protocol.
6. After that has been decided the medication lady (I don’t know her official title) will help order all the meds and ship them to our house.
7. Sometime after this we will have a mock transfer so Dr. Bohler can decide exactly where he will place the embryos.

Now it’s time!! We are on the schedule to start our first IVF cycle starting May 22nd!! Was that a lot of information for you? It certainly was for me!! My brain is on overload right now. I am very excited and I feel more confident now we have direction and a timeline. I am really nervous about the testing but I figured it was going to have to happen so I have mentally prepared myself.  I spent the rest of the day curled up with Marley binge watching Dance Moms and it was awesome!

  

Thank you all for the amazing support! There are no words to describe what it means to us. All the kind words, thoughts and prayers have truly touched us and we are so happy to have everyone on this journey with us!!

Much love and baby dust!

– A

My thoughts going into this adventure (from the Male perspective)

As I’ve gotten older, it’s getting easier and easier for me to express myself and talk about my feelings.  With that said, my wife thought it might be a good idea for me to take a moment and talk about my feelings about our impending journey.

A lot has happened in the last year or so that has really changed my perspective on quite a number of things.  I was at one point REALLY burnt out on all this fertility stuff.  I had no interest to be apart of any conversations or treatments, I just wanted it all to go away.  I wanted to go back to the way things were, when I didn’t want to have kids yet, and when it wasn’t something I thought about every single day.  As it turns out, being a grown up means you have to be emotionally intelligent and have to be mature enough to accept things the way they are and move forward despite things not going exactly the way you want them to go.

That has been the hardest thing for me…that part about accepting things.  Acceptance regarding our fertility situation has been the biggest obstacle for me, as a man.  Up to this point, I AM the reason we are unable to have children.  I think it would be easier for me to accept if my wife had the issues, because it wouldn’t be her fault.  It’s not like she has done something to herself to bring about infertility in our marriage.  For me, I was diagnosed with the varicocele back when I was younger and the urologist told me then, “If you get older and decide you want to have kids, you will want to have this checked out because it can cause fertility issues”.  Back then, I had ZERO interest in being a father or raising a child.  I was having fun being a kid.  I never thought about marriage, or kids, or being an adult…its just not something I ever considered.  We all know hindsight is 20/20 and if I could ever go back and change anything, I would change my attitude towards that diagnosis and take proactive steps to correct it.

I cannot accept that I have had the opportunity all these years to do something about this and I waited until I was ready to have kids to find out that the situation was quite dire (at the time) and when a doctor says “you’ll never be able to conceive on your own”…its crushing.  That kind of weight is very heavy.

All those negative thoughts have become less of an issue, but they are still with me and I cannot forget them.  I try to block them out and forget that we have issues and act like everything will be okay, but it’s very difficult to keep a smile on and be happy and excited about things sometimes.

At the end of the day, I do understand that there is a plan for us, I just wish I knew what that plan was…

So there’s my short little rant…as far as how I feel about our impending journey to start IVF, I am actually optimistic about it (thank you Zoloft).  I am kind of excited to see what will happen and I know I will be the biggest cry baby when we find out we’re having our first child (or children…)

For the next few days, all I can focus on is our appointment tomorrow with the fertility Dr. and my Wildcats potentially winning ANOTHER NATIONAL TITLE!

#BBN #WildcatBaby

-Chris

 

 

 

The Results

February 13th, which just happens to be Friday the 13th, finally rolled around and it is test day. Chris went downtown in the morning and we knew they would have the results of the semen analysis that same day, however we would have to wait until our appt with Dr. Shep on the 18th to find them out. I felt eerily calm. I thought, what will be will be. This will determine if we can have a biological child of Chris’s or not.  At least we will know one way or the other. 

We made it through the weekend without trying to think about it too much but by Monday morning I just couldn’t wait any longer. I emailed my angel at Dr. Shep’s office at 7am asking if she could fax me the results as we couldn’t wait any longer. She immediately replied “What number would you like me to send the happy fax to? :)”. She said happy fax…HAPPY fax!! I was so excited I thought I was going to pee myself. It took 5 whole minutes for that fax to come through. I stared at that screen unblinking until it arrived.

Then all of a sudden…there it was!! The three month wait was over!! He was in the normal guidelines for most things, his motility was 70% which is AMAZING, but above all he had swimmers!!! There were not many… there were only 20 on the slide and sperm is usually measured in the millions, but THEY WERE PRESENT!! I was so happy I was crying and I was also surrounded by new coworkers in the office so it did get a tad awkward for a minute. I immediately called Chris to tell him. I don’t think it sunk in for him for several days afterwards. But that day I knew I wanted to do something special to celebrate, especially since he didn’t seem all that excited with the news. What better way to celebrate than with a cookie cake with sperm on it!!

   

No I did not make the bakery draw those on. That was his first question. 

So we celebrated my birthday the next day (17th) and then the following morning (18th) we headed to Dr. Shep’s office to see where we go from here. Dr. Shep was extremely pleased with Chris’s test results. He said for a condition of azoospermia this severe, a varicocelectomy only has about a 10% success rate!! He said that the count is not enough for IUI and that our only option for a biological child would be IVF with ICSI. He referred us to Dr. Bohler at University of Louisville Women’s Health. Dr. Shep is the best male factor infertility doctor in the eastern United States and people come from all over to see him. His opinion and recommendations hold a great amount of weight. He repeatedly said, although there are many fertility doctors around that we could see, Dr. Bohler is the one we need to see for our particular situation. 

We left Dr. Shep’s office with mixed emotions. There was some sadness and disappointment that we wouldn’t be able to conceive naturally after the surgery. There was also disappointment that we wouldn’t be able to go through less strenuous and less expensive ways of becoming pregnant with medical assistance. But admist all of that there was hope! I will be able to carry my husband’s child! That is a miracle! After a year of doubting and hoping and praying, we finally knew there was a chance! I immediately called Dr. Bohler’s office that afternoon and set up our first consultation. The earliest appt was April 2nd. As of writing this, that is two days away. Actually since out appt is in the morning, this time in two days we should know where we go from here and officially be starting our IVF journey. 

I am equally excited and nervous. I’m sure I will have to undergo several tests because we don’t know how much of a factor my own fertility is, specifically my PCOS. But due to the fact that we don’t have another option other than IVF with ICSI, I am hoping that we can start a cycle sooner rather than later!! Here goes nothing!! Now everyone is caught up we can embark on this journey together and hopefully find our happy ending!!

Much love and baby dust,

– A

The Three Month Wait

Waiting…it is my least favorite thing to do. And here we are again waiting. Not one month. Not two months. But THREE months! It’s a good thing we kept ourselves busy otherwise I would be in a looney bin by now. Luckily we had several big events happen during the interim to keep us occupied. 

First, starting in November I began looking for my next venture within Humana. I was ready for a change and excited for a new challenge. Everything happened very quickly for me and by the beginning of December, after weeks of phone interviews, job shadows and several face to face interviews, I recieved two job offers. I chose the one whose work interested me the most and I am so glad I did! I love my job! I think I have the coolest job in my company, and I’m not just saying that, a lot of other people agree!!

Of course the holidays were a whirl wind as always. We hosted our first Thanksgiving this year in our new house. We made an entirely organic, gluten-free Thanksgiving dinner by ourselves!! It was a lot of work, but at the end of the day everything turned out great!! Except for this cranberry walnut bread thing that tasted like feet…but for our first Thanksgiving that ain’t bad!

Christmas and New Years were wonderful as always. On New Years Day we drove up to Sandusky, Ohio for my best friend’s wedding. I finally got K to take the plunge!!  We celebrated with close family and friends and then made our way back home. I should mention that at this time I was at week two of a four week long weird flu virus. At this point I had no voice so I’m really glad I wasn’t required to give a speech!!

 

  

The second week in January I started my new position in my new department so that kept me very busy for the remainder of the three month wait. During this time, Chris had seen how much Zoloft had helped me and he decided to go to the doctor and discuss it. He started on it and was feeling better within 10 days. We also started to notice some physical changes with Chris during this wait. He started to grow chest hair and his beard began to grow thicker and darker. He has gained about 25lbs in muscle mass without trying. Check out the before (right before surgery) and after (K’s wedding 2 months post op):

  

Pretty impressive, huh? It amazing what those little things they call hormones can do!

Stay tuned for the results!!

Much love and baby dust,

– A

Surgery? Donor? Adoption?

September 2014 was a rough month for us. I mean, all of 2014 was rough, but this was the month where I believe we hit rock bottom. Looking back, I’m not entirely sure how we made it through. Two days after our first meeting with Dr. Shep, my grandmother had a mastectomy and everyone in our family rallied around her to help in any way she needed. Helping her helped us put the infertility issues in the back of our minds. At least for a little while. Every night while trying to fall asleep, the racing thoughts would show up and keep me up for a good portion of the night. Sometimes I would give in and start Googling. I can’t tell you how much information/clinical trials/forums/etc. that I have read regarding varicocele and azoospermia. Everything I read said there was hope, but nothing I read gave me enough confidence to sleep at night.

Over the next two weeks or so we discussed the options. We could go through with the varicocelectomy and hope that that was all that would be needed. If that didn’t correct the problem, Dr. Shep mentioned a few additional surgeries however those were extremely invasive and on our list of last resorts. We discussed using donor sperm and adoption. Chris said he would rather have a child that was biologically mine first before moving to adoption. While discussing donor sperm, I confided in a few close friends that we were considering this avenue. The number one question I had was “Won’t you feel weird carrying another man’s child?”. To me this question was somewhat silly. I wasn’t viewing it from a standpoint of carrying another man’s child. It would be Chris’s child. It might not be his DNA, but he would be the father. He would be part of the process 100%. There is not doubt that this would be Chris’s child. We even went as far to look at donor clinics and potential donors that would fit Chris’s physical and mental characteristics. By the way, the whole sperm donor process is WAY more strict then they make it out to be on TV and in the movies. Just saying.

After giving serious thought and weighing the options, Chris decided to go ahead with the varicocelectomy. If it didn’t work, we decided we would most likely move towards using a sperm donor rather than going through the more invasive surgeries. That same day (before he had a chance to change his mind), I emailed Dr. Shep’s scheduler who has been a blessing and an angel. She has kept me sane and answered every question no matter when I emailed and no matter how ridiculous it is. We got the surgery scheduled for Oct. 28th. That equaled a 6 week wait. That is one thing I found very quickly in this process, everything in at least a month’s wait. I have had to learn to become patient which is NOT a virtue of mine.

We passed the time by hanging out with friends, going to Louder Than Life, doing some small house renovations and basically trying to live as normal of a life as possible. The problem was, both of us were so sad and heartbroken with the back to back bad news that we were both in such a bad place that neither of us could help each other. I decided to do something about it and I went to see my PCP who put me on Zoloft. I was extremely hesitant because I wanted to be able to fix everything myself without help. Turns out, that is exactly what I needed to get myself back to a place of hope and positivity. I was then able to help Chris through his tough days and think positively for the both of us.

The afternoon before the surgery, we went to Jewish Hospital to do the pre-op paperwork. That is when it really hit us that this was happening. The next morning (Oct. 28), we both woke up early because we couldn’t really sleep. We put on the TV and Chris laid by the fire with Kitty. The surgery wasn’t scheduled until late morning so we didn’t have to get there until 10:30. Once we got there, he was taken back and prepped fairly quickly. I was able to go back and sit with him while we waited for Dr. Shep to finish another surgery. Chris was getting more nervous by the minute and the nurse wouldn’t give him the Versed until after Dr. Shep came out of surgery to come talk to us. We passed the time watching Duck Dynasty (it was the only thing on the TV). Once Dr. Shep came in, we were about an hour behind schedule, but Chris could care less once he was given the Versed.

Once he was taken back to surgery, I waited in the waiting room for about 3 hours. The surgery itself only took about 30 mins, but the prep and recovery kept me in the waiting room longer. Dr. Shep came out to speak with me and told me that everything went great and gave me the prescriptions and at home procedures. I was able to see Chris shortly afterwards and he seemed groggy but in good spirits. He said it wasn’t as bad as he was anticipating. He was mostly worried about going under anesthesia. One of the first things he wanted to do was show me the incisions, and he just uncovered himself like it was no big deal. That gave me a good laugh and I knew he was feeling much better about the whole situation.

When we got home, Chris took some pain medication and ended up feeling very sick throughout the night. The next day I spent all day trying to get the doctor’s office to call in a prescription for Zofran. After about 4 PM they finally called in it and once he took it he was better within the hour. His boss sent him a lovely Get Well Edible Arrangement.

Recovery was supposed to be about 5 days. He had some severe post-operative bruising and was in more pain than anticipated. He returned to work after 8 days and had some nerve pain down his left leg on and off for a few weeks afterwards. He continued to take the Clomid and now it was just a waiting game. On average it takes sperm 45-70 days to from formation to maturity, so we wouldn’t know if the surgery worked for at least that length of time. And so we wait…

Much love and baby dust,

– A