As I’ve gotten older, it’s getting easier and easier for me to express myself and talk about my feelings. With that said, my wife thought it might be a good idea for me to take a moment and talk about my feelings about our impending journey.
A lot has happened in the last year or so that has really changed my perspective on quite a number of things. I was at one point REALLY burnt out on all this fertility stuff. I had no interest to be apart of any conversations or treatments, I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted to go back to the way things were, when I didn’t want to have kids yet, and when it wasn’t something I thought about every single day. As it turns out, being a grown up means you have to be emotionally intelligent and have to be mature enough to accept things the way they are and move forward despite things not going exactly the way you want them to go.
That has been the hardest thing for me…that part about accepting things. Acceptance regarding our fertility situation has been the biggest obstacle for me, as a man. Up to this point, I AM the reason we are unable to have children. I think it would be easier for me to accept if my wife had the issues, because it wouldn’t be her fault. It’s not like she has done something to herself to bring about infertility in our marriage. For me, I was diagnosed with the varicocele back when I was younger and the urologist told me then, “If you get older and decide you want to have kids, you will want to have this checked out because it can cause fertility issues”. Back then, I had ZERO interest in being a father or raising a child. I was having fun being a kid. I never thought about marriage, or kids, or being an adult…its just not something I ever considered. We all know hindsight is 20/20 and if I could ever go back and change anything, I would change my attitude towards that diagnosis and take proactive steps to correct it.
I cannot accept that I have had the opportunity all these years to do something about this and I waited until I was ready to have kids to find out that the situation was quite dire (at the time) and when a doctor says “you’ll never be able to conceive on your own”…its crushing. That kind of weight is very heavy.
All those negative thoughts have become less of an issue, but they are still with me and I cannot forget them. I try to block them out and forget that we have issues and act like everything will be okay, but it’s very difficult to keep a smile on and be happy and excited about things sometimes.
At the end of the day, I do understand that there is a plan for us, I just wish I knew what that plan was…
So there’s my short little rant…as far as how I feel about our impending journey to start IVF, I am actually optimistic about it (thank you Zoloft). I am kind of excited to see what will happen and I know I will be the biggest cry baby when we find out we’re having our first child (or children…)
For the next few days, all I can focus on is our appointment tomorrow with the fertility Dr. and my Wildcats potentially winning ANOTHER NATIONAL TITLE!