Day 18 – Meaning Behind My Blog Name

This blog was started with the intention of documenting our IVF journey and dealing with diagnosis of azoospermia as well as PCOS. When I started this blog, I couldn’t find very many success stories surrounding IVF and azoospermia. I knew in my heart that this diagnosis wasn’t the end of the journey to parenthood for us, in fact, it was just the beginning. We decided that instead of keeping this private, we would share this with the world. We decided we didn’t want to remain anonymous in the blogosphere and we wanted to share our journey with family, friends and acquaintances. We wanted to share the good, the bad and the ugly on our journey to becoming parents, wherever that may lead and however we come to be parents.

Initially when starting this blog I thought the name Maybe Baby was cutesy and lighthearted. It conveys my playfulness, positivity and wittiness. The blog ended up being titled under Maybe Baby IVF Journey because that is where we started out. We didn’t do any Clomid cycles. We didn’t do any IUIs. We went straight from using an app that tracks my cycle to IVF. That is a HELL of a jump. We were thrown into the world of infertility treatments without a life vest and were about to embark on the hardest, yet most wonderful trek of our lives.

You might be a little confused as to why I used the word “wonderful” to describe our experience thus far. We haven’t had any success, why would I use the word “wonderful”? Because this experience has brought me closer to God, my family and my husband. It has allowed me to become friends with people all over the world and create lasting friendships with other TTC sisters. We have been able to see for ourselves the beginning of life. The first days of our children’s lives have been documented under a microscope. That is so cool! We have become more knowledgeable. We have become more accepting of people’s differences. We have strengthened our stances on many ethical and moral issues in today’s world. We have become humbled and learned to appreciate our blessings everyday. We have become more patient. We have grown up more and become more responsible adults. We have become closer in our marriage and solidified ourselves as a team that together can accomplish anything. We have become more open and willing to help others. There are so many positives to this experience that I cannot begin to list them all here.

This blog started out with the name Maybe Baby IVF Journey, but it will evolve with us. Will it end with IVF? I hope so. I hope this FET will bring us our children. If IVF ends up not being the answer for us, maybe adoption will be. Maybe both IVF and adoption. Who knows?! Either way, this is where we started. This is the path that was given to us by God and we will walk it hand in hand.

Day 2 – 20 Facts About Me

20 Facts About Me

1. I am a little bit obsessed with serial killers. I have a ton of books about them and watch any and all documentaries about them. I wrote my thesis on how real life serial killers are portrayed in films and why the American society is fascinated with them. I know its kind of creepy, but from a psychological perspective I find them fascinating. If this is something interesting to you, I highly recommend checking out The Anatomy of Evil by Dr. Michael H. Stone.
2. I was a synchronized swimmer and I loved every second of it.
3. I have 4 cats and a dog. The cats are Kitty (14), Liam (8), Oliver (7) and Marley (4). They are all rescue animals. Zoey is a 70lb Aussie, Chow, Rottweiler mix who is 5 years old. We took her in about 8 months ago and she is the sweetest dog.
4. My mom is British. She was born in Southport, England and has traveled the world as a nurse. She lived in Australia and New Zealand and even backpacked across India. She met my dad when he was stationed in Saudi Arabia and they were married in Bahrain. Even though I was born and raised in the US, when I was growing up I had a British accent because I was around my mom so much. When we moved to Kentucky I am told it became an odd but cute British/Kentucky accent.
5. I have a deep knowledge of Friends trivia. I have seen every episode at least fifteen time. You do not want to play a Friends trivia game with me. You will lose.
6. I love arts and crafts and am a DIYer. I have refinished several pieces of furniture and am always looking for new project around the house.
   

   Decorations I made Fall 2014

7. I love sewing and painting. I also crochet. Currently I am working on a counted cross-stitch project as well as a paint by numbers. I know it might sound lame but these adult paint by numbers are intense. This is the one I am working on right now.
   

   Paint by numbers kits for adults don’t play around

8. I play bassoon. I started playing instruments when I was 10 years old. I began playing clarinet, then moved to flute and then finally landed on bassoon. I played all through high school and even went to college on a music scholarship.
9. My favorite artist is Marilyn Manson. I have been a fan of him ever since I was in elementary school. I finally got to go see him live at Rock on the Range in May. I can cross that off my bucket list!
   

   Us at Rock on the Range. Marilyn Manson is about to come on stage.

10. I am a Mac. I have an iPhone, iPad and an iMac. I used to have a MacBookPro until a Rube Goldberg-like event happened and 64oz of Pina Colada ended up in the keyboard and onto Kitty resulting in a very dead laptop and a very sticky cat.
    

    My poor computer and poor cat after the infamous Pina Colada incident of 2011

11. I have had many, many surgeries. I have had my gallbladder removed, tonsil removed, adenoids removed, wisdom teeth removed, two sinus surgeries, two surgeries to repair my foot when I stepped on glass, a surgery to repair a laceration on my knee and now two egg retrievals. I have also had an endoscopy and a cystoscopy as well as a gallstones (hence no gallbladder) and three bouts of kidney stones.
12. I met my husband in college. We both had the same major and were in many classes together. The weekend after our first day (October 31st) I came home and told my mom I was going to marry him. 8 years later we are happily married and are trying to grow our family.
    

    College graduation in May 2009

13. I am really good at Jeopardy. Like really good. Our friend comes over and watches it with us and her and my husband are constantly surprised at the random things I know. I also scream the answers at the TV as if Alex Trebek can hear me.
14. I am a very fast reader and can typically finish a book within a day.
15. I am very book smart, but I have zero common sense and am a klutz. If it wasn’t for my husband I probably would have already died in some freak accident worthy of a Darwin Award.
16. My favorite dessert is Peanut Butter Pie.
17. My really like vacuuming and mowing the grass because it makes everything look 10 times better with minimal effort and I find it therapeutic. I hate dishes and laundry because they are never ending.
18. I am Catholic and my Confirmation name is after St. Dymphna, the patron saint of mental illness, nervous disorders and psychologists. When I chose her I was just trying to be different from everyone, but it has been oddly uncanny that I grew up to be so interested in psychology as well as battle my own demons with anxiety and OCD tendencies.
19. I broke my foot on our honeymoon and was wheelchair bound the rest of the cruise. Luckily, Puss in Boots and the Penguins of Madagascar were there to make me feel better.
    

    With the Penguins of Madagascar pre-broken foot

20. I like making up songs. Mostly I just make them up about our cats and sing them to popular tunes. I do it randomly and it always cracks my husband up.

FET#1 Day 3 – Babies Everywhere

Disclaimer: If you are a friend of mine and are pregnant or have had a baby recently, I am truly happy for you and your bundle of joy. Please do not take this post personally. 

  
So here’s the thing…You don’t realize how hard it is hearing pregnancy announcements, seeing friends have babies and being around children in general until you have walked the path of infertility. If you haven’t been there, you don’t realize how heart-breaking and gut wrenching these normal and happy events can be. You don’t understand the complexity of emotions that flood through you when you experience these things. There is joy for the parents and the new little life they are growing or now holding. There is jealousy and the thoughts of “Why isn’t that me?” God forbid if it’s their second or third kid, the irrational thoughts come into play of “They already have one, it’s my turn. I should get one before they get another!” Don’t tell me you haven’t thought that. We all have. It doesn’t make us a bad person, it makes us human. Then there is the emptiness, the sadness, the loneliness, the heartache, the pit in your stomach knowing that there is a very real possibility that that might never be you. You may never have the joy of creating a funny and memorable pregnancy announcement. You may never feel the never-ending morning sickness that so many women complain about, but we long for. You may never get to feel a child move inside of you or look into your child’s eyes and see your husband or your grandmother. These are things that fertile couples take for granted everyday and while you might be able to sympathize with what we are going through…the truth is you may never understand if you haven’t been given this path. 

  
These experiences have been difficult for us over the past year and to be honest we have been avoiding being around children more as a self-preservation method. We have remained optimistic and positive and I attribute that to us being self-aware and knowing what is going to make this more difficult for us. We have kind of gone into a survival mode of sorts and it has worked for us up until recently. I won’t go into details, but there was an incident in which we were guilt tripped for avoiding friends because they had a child. When trying to explain the difficulty we have being around children right now, the open conversation turned sour and became down right hurtful. That incident coupled with the many, many Facebook babies have really had me feeling a lot of emotions lately. I’m sure the estrogen is really helping my emotions too. 

  
This week there have been three pregnancy announcements and seven births amongst my Facebook friends. There is also currently another in labor. That’s not counting the four pregnancy announcements last week and the two births then as well. It seems like everyone but me is pregnant. Luckily I have met some wonderful people in the blogging community that I can rant to to help keep my sanity. I am normally so positive and faithful, I have just been having a rough time lately. If you know us in real life, I just ask one simple thing. Please give us a break. We are doing the best we can. This is not a path anyone plans on nor wants to go down. This is not a choice for us, it is a circumstance. We are handling this to the best of our abilities while remaining strong, loving and faithful. If you feel we have been negligent, I am sorry…we are doing the best we can. If you are offended we haven’t come to see your new baby or missed your baby shower, I am sorry…we are doing the best we can. If we missed you child’s birthday party or just made an appearance, I am sorry…we are doing the best we can. 

  
One day we will hopefully be able to come up with a creative and memorable pregnancy announcement, have a fun gender reveal party and celebrate our child’s birth with our friends on Facebook. Until then, please give us a break.