FET#1 Day 3 – Babies Everywhere

Disclaimer: If you are a friend of mine and are pregnant or have had a baby recently, I am truly happy for you and your bundle of joy. Please do not take this post personally. 

  
So here’s the thing…You don’t realize how hard it is hearing pregnancy announcements, seeing friends have babies and being around children in general until you have walked the path of infertility. If you haven’t been there, you don’t realize how heart-breaking and gut wrenching these normal and happy events can be. You don’t understand the complexity of emotions that flood through you when you experience these things. There is joy for the parents and the new little life they are growing or now holding. There is jealousy and the thoughts of “Why isn’t that me?” God forbid if it’s their second or third kid, the irrational thoughts come into play of “They already have one, it’s my turn. I should get one before they get another!” Don’t tell me you haven’t thought that. We all have. It doesn’t make us a bad person, it makes us human. Then there is the emptiness, the sadness, the loneliness, the heartache, the pit in your stomach knowing that there is a very real possibility that that might never be you. You may never have the joy of creating a funny and memorable pregnancy announcement. You may never feel the never-ending morning sickness that so many women complain about, but we long for. You may never get to feel a child move inside of you or look into your child’s eyes and see your husband or your grandmother. These are things that fertile couples take for granted everyday and while you might be able to sympathize with what we are going through…the truth is you may never understand if you haven’t been given this path. 

  
These experiences have been difficult for us over the past year and to be honest we have been avoiding being around children more as a self-preservation method. We have remained optimistic and positive and I attribute that to us being self-aware and knowing what is going to make this more difficult for us. We have kind of gone into a survival mode of sorts and it has worked for us up until recently. I won’t go into details, but there was an incident in which we were guilt tripped for avoiding friends because they had a child. When trying to explain the difficulty we have being around children right now, the open conversation turned sour and became down right hurtful. That incident coupled with the many, many Facebook babies have really had me feeling a lot of emotions lately. I’m sure the estrogen is really helping my emotions too. 

  
This week there have been three pregnancy announcements and seven births amongst my Facebook friends. There is also currently another in labor. That’s not counting the four pregnancy announcements last week and the two births then as well. It seems like everyone but me is pregnant. Luckily I have met some wonderful people in the blogging community that I can rant to to help keep my sanity. I am normally so positive and faithful, I have just been having a rough time lately. If you know us in real life, I just ask one simple thing. Please give us a break. We are doing the best we can. This is not a path anyone plans on nor wants to go down. This is not a choice for us, it is a circumstance. We are handling this to the best of our abilities while remaining strong, loving and faithful. If you feel we have been negligent, I am sorry…we are doing the best we can. If you are offended we haven’t come to see your new baby or missed your baby shower, I am sorry…we are doing the best we can. If we missed you child’s birthday party or just made an appearance, I am sorry…we are doing the best we can. 

  
One day we will hopefully be able to come up with a creative and memorable pregnancy announcement, have a fun gender reveal party and celebrate our child’s birth with our friends on Facebook. Until then, please give us a break. 

  

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17 responses to “FET#1 Day 3 – Babies Everywhere

  1. I totally understand this post all too well. I to have missed a recent baby shower and have had the wrath of God just about brought down upon me because I was a no show last minute… Just like you me and my husband are basically in survival mode right now…& putting our needs and feelings first which I think it totally acceptable… Warns hugs to you and your hubby xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! We do what we have to do to get through this and it is hard for me to understand that other people and my friends are not understanding this. But this is what we have to do to have our family so we are going to protect ourselves! I’m sorry that you have experienced this as well however it is comforting to know we are not alone

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with everything you’ve said. We’ve been in survival mode for 2 years now and it is exhausting and very isolating. We’ve avoided baby showers, birthday parties, and most social situations in general because inevitably someone always asks us when we’re going to have kids or makes a joke about us not having children. And after a miscarriage and infertility, I feel like so many bad things have happened to us, it is hard for me to believe that this current pregnancy might actually work out. I am so envious of all of the happy, oblivious pregnant women who just get pregnant and have babies with no idea what its like.

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  3. I completely understand this as we have lived it as well. It was hard enough when all of our friends got pregnant but then younger siblings started getting pregnant too… it’s brutal. Our situation is unique in that we are expecting, but had to go the surrogacy route. I went through IVF already knowing that I would never get to feel my child move inside me or get to bond with him in that way. I will be infertile for the rest of my life. It’s something that still hurts deeply and to make it harder, it’s like being stuck between worlds and never really belonging anywhere. Not to mention, people have also been pretty cruel at times when they find out about it, and I was not prepared for that at all.

    Since we found out I haven’t posted anything on facebook because I know that there is probably someone out there who just can’t handle it. I think about how I might be affecting others who are hurting by what I say and do all the time, and I try to be really careful not to become one of those women who is obnoxious about pregnancy. I feel like that is the least we can do when our situations change, even if we aren’t always aware of who is dealing with infertility. There is always someone else out there who just needs a little compassion!

    Anyway, don’t ever feel badly for taking care of yourself. Not everyone will understand but they will get over it.

    Good luck! I hope it is your turn soon. xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Amen sister! Couldn’t have said it better myself. Infertility SUCKS!!!! And no one understands unless they have been there. Even my best friend who says she thinks and prays about me daily, still doesn’t understand why I don’t want to hang around her kid! Hello!!?? I don’t want to see the pride and joy on your face when you look at you kid. I may never have that!! I refuse to feel guilty for that. Or for not attending numerous baby showers and birthday parties. If my friends can’t support me/us then maybe we shouldn’t be friends! Infertility is something we think about everyday so we don’t need people shoving their babies in our faces!!!! Thanks for this post!!! I may need to forward it to some thoughtless people I know…..

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you! It really is amazing how people say they understand and are thinking of us and praying for us and then turn around and get upset if we aren’t participating as actively in their child’s life…I mean, really? You want me to watch you teach your kid new things and snuggle with them on the couch? That is hurtful. Anyways, it is so comforting to know that we are not alone in feeling this way!

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    • Thank you! I have tried to keep my head up during this whole process but sometimes the lack of understanding of others is cry hurtful. Not to mention the estrogen heightens everything! I love reading your blog! You have such a unique perspective on this and your relationship with Elle is something to be envied! Hugs!

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  4. 100% with you on this!! You guys do whatever you need to do to take care of yourselves, that’s the only way xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can totally relate. I’ve probably lost friends over it. I hide them on Facebook. Some people take offence if you don’t “like” every photo of their baby they post (several a day). It’s gutting. We get you.

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  6. YES
    YES
    YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

    Liked by 1 person

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  8. I may have audibly shouted AMEN SISTER! as I was reading your post! We’re definitely in survival mode which is hard for a people person and pleaser like me, cause I hate saying no to things and normally LOVE being around people. But honestly, I’m not ok, and baby showers, birthday parties and everything else baby just makes it damn near impossible to function. The irony? I still crave social interaction, but the “girls nights” that get planned I’m often not included in as I’m not a mommy (which most of my friends are) so frequently, I get overlooked. Infertility sucks and watching kids I used to babysit or who I was a youth leader for now making cute, creative birth annoucements sends me into the fetal position. Remaining faithful and trusting that there is a plan is so hard, but knowing we’re not alone in our feelings and journey always gives me a little hope. Big Hugs!

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  10. This is so true, my brother’s gf and their family came over the other night and she is currently pregnant (their 3rd ‘accident’). Last Saturday was her baby shower and I made it through that okay, but then she has been over every night this week (I don’t know why, they are always unannounced visits which makes it all the harder) and on Thursday she was over for her birthday and as she walked past I saw her spectacular baby bump (I was sitting on a couch so it was at eye level) and got all choked up. I spent the rest of their visit watching TV.
    It is so hard and people that have never struggled with fertility have no idea. It doesn’t help that her pregnancy is the most interesting thing in her life at the moment so that is all she will talk about either. I even talked to her once about how hard it was to hear about other peoples pregnancies (speaking generally) she agreed that it must be, but apparently she didn’t think that applied to her. It is bad, but I now find myself hiding when they come over.

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  11. I’m here with you, and I don’t feel guilty about it. I’ve been really public about my blog so I end up with a lot of people trying to sympathize, and that to me is the worst. It’s like “Oh yeah, I’m sure those three months where you were trying before you got pregnant were really trying”.

    Liked by 1 person

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