Certified Crazy

Three weeks ago today we found out our beta was negative. The wait between the test results and finally being able to see our doctor has been torturous. I thought the 2WW was bad, but waiting to talk to the doctor about why our IVF cycle failed is worse.

By nature I am a worrier. I am a thinker and an analyzer. I think through every possibility and contingency plan of everything in my life. It kind of makes me unbearable to live with sometimes and God forbid something isn’t done the “right way” (aka my way) because the world will stop turning and it will rain hell fire and brimstone…yeah, I have a problem and I own it. Acceptance is the first step, right?

So, why I am telling you this? Because now you can imagine how difficult this entire world of IVF and uncertainty has been for me and how much of a crazy person it has made me. I admit that I kept it together pretty darn well during the actual cycle. But the wait between the results and this appointment has made me a certified insane person. There are two people in my head and at any given moment I don’t know which one is going to take over.

First, there is the logical, rational side of me, let’s call her Sherlock (no explanation needed). Sherlock says that the reason the cycle didn’t work is that we only had two eggs, which made two embryos (amazingly!) and they just stopped growing because they were genetically abnormal. She says that this next cycle will be successful because the doctors can give me more medications, retrieve more eggs, make more embryos, let them grow to blastocysts and then transfer two excellent blasts.

Then, there is the crazy, absurd side of me I have aptly named Lola (because whatever Lola wants, Lola gets). Lola has spent the last three weeks thinking of every possible reason as to why the cycle failed. Some of the reasons she came up with on her own and some were thanks to Dr. Google. Lola has fat-shamed herself, convinced herself that taking Tylenol caused the embies not to implant and blamed herself for the one time she took a hot shower because she forgot she wasn’t supposed to. What if the doctor says that she needs to lose more weight before we try again? What if she needs another procedure, like an endometrial scratch? What if her body rejected the babies and she needs to see a reproductive immunologist and have tests done regarding Natural Killer cells? What if the reason the babies didn’t stay was because she vacuumed during the 2WW? Whatever insane, irrational, unlikely and bizarre reason you can think of, Lola has already thought of it. These thoughts have kept her up at night for the past three weeks.

Can you guess who has triumped during this waiting period?

Hopefully this time tomorrow all my fears will be relieved and we will be on track for Cycle 2 at the end of this month. Until then I will try and keep Lola at bay! Anyone else had these crazy thoughts? I would love to hear them so I know I am not alone!


6 responses to “Certified Crazy

  1. Oh my goodness, those sound exactly like my thoughts after every failed 2WW. You’re not crazy – they’re normal (as far as I know!) and part of the process. The key is to not hold on to them – think them and realize how crazy they are and let them go.

    Liked by 1 person

    • So glad I am not alone! I don’t think I will feel completely okay until I talk to the doctor tomorrow. I do not like having to wait so long! I understand doctors need vacations too but that’s just cruel πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think we all have our individual versions of Lola!! And the TWW just brings out all the crazy. But, at least we have each other to feel normal with. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am Lola lot too! Haha. You are not alone! And the wait for an important RE appointment can be so hard, like you said. It really is like another horrible 2WW!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I had a lot of thoughts similar to this recently when I realised that my 2nd round of Clomid hadn’t worked. I had a bit of a breakdown, I haven’t doubted or cried like that in a long time, but I guess my Lola side needed it πŸ™‚
    I think it seems to be a natural thing for us girls to try and blame ourselves… I guess we are pretty big on the guilt πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t think you are alone in the crazy thoughts! I’ve been there time and time again…..and that damn Dr. Google will have you believing the worst possible scenario almost immediately. My “Lola side” has kidnapped my logical side I’m pretty sure.

    Liked by 1 person

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