Three weeks ago today we found out our beta was negative. The wait between the test results and finally being able to see our doctor has been torturous. I thought the 2WW was bad, but waiting to talk to the doctor about why our IVF cycle failed is worse.
By nature I am a worrier. I am a thinker and an analyzer. I think through every possibility and contingency plan of everything in my life. It kind of makes me unbearable to live with sometimes and God forbid something isn’t done the “right way” (aka my way) because the world will stop turning and it will rain hell fire and brimstone…yeah, I have a problem and I own it. Acceptance is the first step, right?
So, why I am telling you this? Because now you can imagine how difficult this entire world of IVF and uncertainty has been for me and how much of a crazy person it has made me. I admit that I kept it together pretty darn well during the actual cycle. But the wait between the results and this appointment has made me a certified insane person. There are two people in my head and at any given moment I don’t know which one is going to take over.
First, there is the logical, rational side of me, let’s call her Sherlock (no explanation needed). Sherlock says that the reason the cycle didn’t work is that we only had two eggs, which made two embryos (amazingly!) and they just stopped growing because they were genetically abnormal. She says that this next cycle will be successful because the doctors can give me more medications, retrieve more eggs, make more embryos, let them grow to blastocysts and then transfer two excellent blasts.
Then, there is the crazy, absurd side of me I have aptly named Lola (because whatever Lola wants, Lola gets). Lola has spent the last three weeks thinking of every possible reason as to why the cycle failed. Some of the reasons she came up with on her own and some were thanks to Dr. Google. Lola has fat-shamed herself, convinced herself that taking Tylenol caused the embies not to implant and blamed herself for the one time she took a hot shower because she forgot she wasn’t supposed to. What if the doctor says that she needs to lose more weight before we try again? What if she needs another procedure, like an endometrial scratch? What if her body rejected the babies and she needs to see a reproductive immunologist and have tests done regarding Natural Killer cells? What if the reason the babies didn’t stay was because she vacuumed during the 2WW? Whatever insane, irrational, unlikely and bizarre reason you can think of, Lola has already thought of it. These thoughts have kept her up at night for the past three weeks.
Can you guess who has triumped during this waiting period?
Hopefully this time tomorrow all my fears will be relieved and we will be on track for Cycle 2 at the end of this month. Until then I will try and keep Lola at bay! Anyone else had these crazy thoughts? I would love to hear them so I know I am not alone!