We received the phone call. We are not pregnant. The nurse was very sweet and I could tell that it broke her heart to tell us the news. I was hopeful, but in my heart I felt that I was not pregnant and I was mentally preparing myself for this news. That doesn’t mean it is any easier. I feel like I have failed. It was my job to keep them safe and I failed. Even though I know that that notion is ridiculous. That there was nothing more I could have done. Realistically, Mildred and Ethel were probably genetically abnormal or ceased growing shortly after transfer. The fact that both of our only two eggs fertilized and were growing to begin with was amazing and defied statistics.
Where do we go from here? I am to remove the estrogen patches and no more PIO shots (silver lining!). Aunt Flow should arrive in a few days and on day 3 I am to start taking birth control again. Dr. Bohler is on vacation for the next few weeks and the earliest we will be able to get in to see him and discuss what happened is July 8th. The nurse has us penciled in for another cycle starting end of July. We went ahead and penciled ourselves in because they only allow so many women per month and it is far easier to take us off the list then get us on it (learned that during this last cycle). The good news is that not only did the doctors learn a lot this cycle, but we did too. I feel better prepared going into a second cycle, knowing what to expect, how I am going to react to medications, knowing I am strong enough to get through this. We learned what we need to prepare for and arrange for, like the bed rest. We know what will make the next cycle less stressful for me and can plan ahead so everything is in place to make it as least stressful as possible. The doctors learned how I react to medications and know they can be more aggressive with stimming during the next cycle. Hopefully we can get more eggs and be able to let the embryos grow to Day 5 (blastocysts). Then the ones we transfer will be stronger and healthier and have a better chance of surviving and implanting.
How are we doing? I am okay. I am crying on and off. As I said I was mentally preparing myself for this. Chris is quiet. He is watching YouTube videos and chuckling. He said he will be okay. I am planning on having some wine and a piping hot bath tonight. Two things I have deeply missed over the past several weeks! We will continue to pray and keep the faith. This was not God’s time. We were put through this test to come out the otherside stronger and more faithful both individually and as a couple. There is a reason for this heartache and we know when we finally get to hold our babies in our arms it will be all the more sweet because of these experiences.