I am a wreck today. On the outside I look put together. I wore a very pretty dress to work. My hair and makeup were done and I put on a happy face. I started the day exhausted and the by then end of the work day I was stressed and in tears. I didn’t have as much nausea as I have had before. I have had cramps, still no spotting, and I have been having heartburn.
Today was the first day it has become a reality that I might NOT be pregnant. That next Tuesday we may get devastating news. I have been so positive this entire time. And in the grand scheme of things we have gotten far worse test results than a low estrogen level but for some reason I have convinced myself that because of this level we may not be joyful this time next week.
I am sure after sleeping on it I will feel better. I will realize that my thinking is ridiculous. Everything I have read says that estrogen at this stage doesn’t matter. Progesterone matters and mine is good! But for now, for this moment, I am sad. I am feeling the weight of the test next week. I will let myself feel this way tonight because I don’t believe in hiding or suppressing feelings. I know tomorrow will be a better day.
Everyday I have been praying to St. Gerard, the Patron Saint of Expectant Mothers, as well as been wearing his pendant. Today I find myself needing to pray more than before. I have asking him to intercede on our behalf and help our babies implant and grow. If you are faithful or religious please join us in prayer.
Tomorrow will be a better day.