What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

Today went from a nice high to the lowest of the low. I never thought we would feel like this again…I never thought I would have to have this conversation again…I never thought we would have to make this decision…again…

This morning I had the consult with the anesthesiologist to ensure that we could go ahead with the IVF cycle and egg retrieval. I passed with flying colors. I lost the needed amount of weight and didn’t have any other medical concerns. I am a pro at anesthesia. I have had over 10 surgeries so it’s just another walk in the park for me. We got the all clear! Yay!!

I went to work and the rest of the day went as normal. I organized myself so I would be prepared to work at home tomorrow in order to sign for the medications. I did have a weird unsettling feeling for most of the day but I attributed that to the start of my migraine.

As I was about a block from home I got a call from the IVF nurse. She was calling to tell me the results of Chris’s semen analysis this morning. The sample he had to freeze as a back up for our cycle. I heard the words for the second time in my life and it was equally as devastating…“Dr. Christensen couldn’t find any sperm”…

My heart immediately sank…I thought this issue was fixed! We had sperm three months ago! Why isn’t there any now?! What happened?! Why is this happening to us again?! Haven’t we been through enough?! We were finally about to have our baby!

I had a few minutes to figure out how to tell Chris…again…before he got home. I was outside walking Zoey and he met up with us. He played with the dog for a minute before I dropped the bomb. That has by far been the most difficult conversation I have had to have. And here we are again. Same story, different day. We are back where we were last July at one of the darkest points of our marriage. Chris was upset, but he said he had a feeling that this was going to happen. He was surprisingly calm. He embraced me and kissed me.

So now, what do we do? Our meds have already shipped and are being delivered tomorrow, they are non-refundable. Our cycle is already set and ready to go. What are our options? Do we see if TESE is an option and hope that they find sperm? Do we cancel the cycle and just eat the cost of the medications and turn our hearts towards adoption? Do we use donor sperm? We have a very short time to make our decision.

We decided to go ahead and get all our feelings and opinions out on the table so we would be prepared with what we want to do moving forward when we talk to the doctor tomorrow. We discussed the TESE procedure. Chris feels the procedure is too invasive and he has little hope they would be able to obtain anything and it’s too big of a gamble. We have talked about adoption but we still want to try to have a biological child first, even if it’s just biologically mine. So that brings us to using donor sperm. We will be talking with the doctor tomorrow about moving forward with donor sperm. I had done some research into donor sperm last summer so I knew were to start looking. We found a donor that we both like. He is physically similar to Chris and he shares a similar personality. We obtained his baby picture and he resembles Chris as a child. This donor sperm has had successful pregnancies. We called the sperm bank to see how many vials they have left that have been prepared for IVF and they have 6. We will only need 2. Chris has been amazing and is open to any and all avenues to becoming a dad. He knows that even if our baby doesn’t have his DNA that it will still be his.

Tomorrow we will talk to the doctor and determine the next steps. We will be moving forward using a donor…those words are so weird to write. I thought we were past this, but life loves throwing curve balls. Every day brings forth new challenges to overcome. Each day of this journey is a trial of inner strength. I am happy to say that throughout this journey we have only been brought closer together instead of being torn apart as I have seen infertility do to many couples. It’s amazing how everything can be turned upside down in 24 hours.

I’m sure I will have more to say on this later. Right now I am overcome with emotion. These decisions are not light or easy and it is very draining to have these serious, life-changing conversations. I am so blessed to have such a loving and understanding husband. Please say a prayer or send happy thoughts or vibes our way. The next few days will be emotional as we carry through with our decision.